What's Important To You? Probably Not Honesty.

A little over a decade ago I was lucky enough to have some time off before starting a new job.  I had a ball taking my two elder kids to school and kindy and had oodles of time to spend with our then new born.

I also took the opportunity to engage a life coach for just a few sessions.  It was someone I had met and observed as living life to the full.  Not 'crazy busy' full, more 'happy and contented' full. 

She taught me a wonderful technique for helping me get to the cause of any behaviour - ask 'why?' at least three times.  Why is this problem?  Why does answer to the first question make it a problem?  Why is that important to me?  She helped me use the technique to explore my core value - the one thing I really value and believe in above all else.

It started with what is important to you?  Why is that important to you?  And so on. 

What I learned surprised me.  The things I thought I valued, I didn't really value.  Material success, fitness, friendships and so on.  If I didn't know my core values, it wasn't surprising to subsequently observe that most people don't know theirs.  

One of the reasons I say this is because I believe you cannot live at war with yourself - you cannot act in a way that is not consistent with your vales.  The best example I can use is 'honesty'.  

Most people would say that honesty is a core value they hold.  Sounds reasonable, if not familiar.  We all hate being on the receiving end of a dishonest act, right?  Yet I wonder if we were to survey these people and ask them if they have ever taken a longer lunch than their employment allows, or left early after coming in late? A study by University of Massachusetts researcher Robert Feldman found that 60% of people lied at least once in a 10 minute conversation with a stranger.  Even more staggering was the average was 2.92 lies in that same 10 minute conversation with a stranger! 

In the 1950's USA it was estimated that 25% of women and 50% of men had engaged in an affair.  In 2012 a research project showed that 57% of men and 54% of women admit to an affair.  Furthermore 74% of men and 68% of women said they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.  Interestingly this dispells the myth that men are cheaters, and women are not, and backs up the study at Indiana University which showed that infidelity rates between men and women are virtually the same.

The numbers seem to prove that we, humans, male or female, are hardly an honest bunch.

But this blog is not about honesty, or infidelity, nor is about taking a moral position on these or in fact any matter.

What it is about is encouraging you to take the time to figure out what is important to you.  To understand what your core values are.  Take 20 minutes a week and sit and contemplate (and write) about the things that are important to you.  Then ask why they are important.  Then ask again why the answers to the first question are important.  Keep doing it until you can't answer, and there you will find what you value. 

As I said in a previous post, albeit about sales team performance, once you know what you value, you will understand how your beliefs have been formed.  And from your beliefs you will understand better why you feel the way you do about certain things.  And once you can decipher your feelings, you will be better placed to understand why you behave the way you do.

And importantly, you will be able to make changes.  Changes that will make your world, and indeed the entire world, a better place.

If you'd like to read more on this topic and how it relates to problem solving, here is a useful article called "An Introduction to 5-Why".

Cheers!